So in light of being in one of those 'intense' moods - which has lasted at least one month - i'm taking a new outlook.
* I should add, when using the word intense with the word mood, i'm sounding like one of those Twilight fans who internalizes everything in the film and doesnt say alot but will just say one sentence which will be a variation of the following: Bella and Edward's relationship is just so intensly beautiful. I'm wondering if I've already lost you all. Basically I know this mood is such a cliche but I cant help it- so I thought I'd run with it.
But not in the same way as the last post. BAHAHAHAH, sorry that was a little awkward and out of hand, its been a bad month ya know?
Okay, so today has been one of those wierd, wierd days where everything keeps switching from being really okay and then totally not okay. Its strange. You keep having moments of severe clarity and strength and contentment and then somehow it all comes undone and you feel a wreck. It's strange experiencing such extreme emotions- and most would say its probably the symptom of being a manic depressent. Yes most would say that. In fact thats probably the most logical response, but logic has never been my pal.
So I am responding to such a day with the double list for it all being just the worst and completely the best.
All the things I liked about Today:
1. I had the ultimate playlist to listen to as I made my way to uni. I don't know how it happened- but you know when song choice and geography are so insync its INSANELY PERFECT. Basically what I mean by this, is as I looked out of the train - the perfect song was playing to match the landscape. It became FRANKIE'S SOUNDTRACK. I don't even know how it happened because the ipod was on shuffle. SCARY. But it was perfect and I enjoyed it so so much.
P.S You just know CFCF was all over my playlist. LOVE LOVE LOVE THOSE GUYS!!!!!
2. I ran into a friend who was eating blueberries AKA one of MY FAVOURITE FOODS - and I snacked with him and chatted while he scruffled my hair. I love it when people I like do that to me. But it can only be people I like. Otherwise if it isn't, I'll snarl like a bitch protecting her pups.
3. I sat next to the cutiest babe in my art history tutorial. Her name was Emiko and she laughed at all my gags. Plus her writing was so neat- I enjoyed watching her take notes.
4. I noticed an old dentist chair in the hard rubbish pile that I'm totally thinking of taking and putting it in my room. All the wires are exposed down the bottom of it, so you've got this drab grey chair with these brightly coloured wires sticking out. Its tops and I'm wondering what I could use it for besides just looking at it all day long because its pretty creepy but rad at the same time.
All the things I didn't like about Today:
5. I went to the toilets at uni and for once there wasnt skid marks and urine all over the seat and floor. Yeah that was pretty nice.
1. I ran into an old pal from school who hates me because she heard I'd said all these real nasty AKA BITHCY things about her. Truth, never said a thing. Reminded me of all those people we have around us who constantly just stab you in the back and lie and you never really sure why it all happens and how to control it. But yeah that sucked, because when you see people who hate you and think you're the worst sometimes thoughts like "well yeah maybe she's right, maybe I am just a total disgrace for a person" creep across your mind.
2. Well this has occupied my mind for the last month- being broken up . Unfortunately as I sat down to study and read all about art in France in 1789 certain songs came on which reminded me of everything, and well yeah nothing more really needs to be said. Actually one more thing, if you've got a broken heart listening to Yo La Tengo, Babyshambles, Bob Dylan, The Middle East, Lady of the Sunshine, Coldplay, Nina Simone and Angus and Julia Stone probably isnt the best idea. Woody Allen films make you laugh because it hurts so they're a good idea.
3. Leaving my wallet in my lecture room BUT then coming back an hour later and finding it lying there like a good cheaboiii. (this probs should be in both)
4. Thinking about my ex, feeling totally angry and hurt- so sending my friend ally a message saying and I quote "I fucking hate ___. I fucking hate him." then realising you accidentally sent it to him. Then thinking that you havent spoken in three weeks and this is the first thing you've said to him and realising how psycho you must sound and also embarrssed because it shows that youre still thinking about him and so that must come across as totally pathetic and so unattractive and therefore that little fantasy you had that you two would get back together will never happen because he has now realised how strange you really are. Let me tell you- there was no ultimate playlist on this trip.
5. Then getting a message from him saying - that was obviously for him, and then explaing to him that you don't hate him, you're just still hurt from the way he treated you. While you wrote that in a message and then waited for a reply you've lost any dignity left, while also realising you sound even more like a pathetic girl .
6. But then to get a reply which said "no its a fair judgment. I acted very dishonourbly I know that for sure," which I know should be a good feeling that he's acknowleding it- but at the same time it still leaves you feeling high and dry, and maybe it would be easier if he was just a dick so then you could hate him instead of him just being understanding. Its worse when people are nice, much worse.
7. But then (and actually this goes in the green column aka things i liked about today) telling my friend about everything that happened and us both laughing - somehow- about it all and thinking mid laugh that maybe everything will be ok, somehow, it just has to be.